Cancer fucking sucks, blueberry lemon loaf does not
Ups and downs, pros and cons, good shit and bad shit.
We have a section in this newsletter dedicated to (the elusive concept of) “balance,” but there’s a through-line in every entry this week that speaks to the push-pull we’re all experiencing in the pursuit of stability. Cat is weathering indescribable highs and devastating lows, and in between, she’s trying to navigate equally precarious little stuff — how much to share, when and how; how to be in the moment while waiting impatiently to get past the shit she’s facing now.
Ruth and Priya have landed on the other side of med school and internships and residencies and settled into the careers they’ve worked so hard for. Things are, for the first time, close to some semblance homeostasis. Yet they’re writing about “feeling guilty if I catch myself relaxing” and the ongoing hunt for beauty gadgets that can afford a few extra minutes of sleep. Lydia is, like, a literal bodybuilder who’s beating herself up over tiny adjustments in her form, and I’m sending this impulsively with my eyes closed so I don’t lose the nerve to share five goddamn paragraphs where I acknowledge that I am actually good at my job.
Let’s all be as kind and gracious to ourselves this week as we are to the many demands on our brains, our energy and our time.
Where We're At
Lizzie
I had one of those sweet little life bookend moments today that made me pause in the middle of a hectic breaking news moment (which is, consequently, why this newsletter is late!) to reflect on where I’m at these days, and how I got here.
Late this morning, the 14-year prison sentence of former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich was commuted by Trump. He had served just over half of it, most recently in a low-security prison in Colorado (where he’s in a band called the Jailhouse Rockers — not a joke, h/t @tinasfon — but I digress).
I run the digital news team at the newspaper where I work, and I mobilized us in the exact optimal way I’ve been refining since I took the helm a year ago. We had breaking news alerts prepped and ready to launch. We were watching live streams from the tarmac where Air Force One had just touched down to grab quotes if Trump fired off a quick comment when reporters swarmed him. We deployed our social media posts the second we had confirmation, monitored the Twitter handles of all of our reporters in the field, and sifted through our archives for stories that added context. Our article was at the top of Apple News for most of the day and tens of thousands of people read it. It was the usual amount of frenzied-in-a-good-way action, but felt totally calm and manageable and under control. We did it all in minutes and beat almost everybody.
Nearly 9 years ago, when Blagojevich was sentenced, I was working at WBEZ, where I had just finished an internship and was just kind of… hanging around, hoping they would keep letting me do stuff as I wrung out the last pennies from my grant. I stayed late into the evening after the trains had stopped running doing the most low-grade tasks that needed to be done so the rest of the team could do the Real Stuff. I was thrilled to be a tiny cog in this amazing news machine. Cate Cahan gave me cash from her purse to take a cab home and I was buzzing the whole way back.
It all felt very full circle today (for me, and probably Blagojevich) and on my way home this time around, I let myself be proud of the career I’ve built for myself and the choices I’ve made that got me here at the expense of hobbies and cooking (✌️“Sustenance” lol) and all the other sacrifices that I’ve made to do this thing that I love.
Lydia
The other day, I read an Instagram post from my coach about how even professional weightlifters are constantly reworking and micro-adjusting their form. This hit me like a ton of bricks because I’ve been doing obsessing over my form in a way that has been unkind to myself. I know I didn’t think I could become an expert immediately, but I’ve spent these last six months acting like I should be — never satisfied, never proud of myself. Granted, I AM proud that I’ve been showing up, because consistency is a big hurdle for me, but I have not been forgiving about my performance nor my technique.
Last year, when I hired Dr. Barnes (and when I signed up for a pointed pen calligraphy course), the point was to invest in myself. Yet the entire time I have constantly belittled myself. Perfectionists are such jerks; no wonder I have struggled to show up!
I realize that I’m not going to kick my perfectionist brain with this little write-up; however, I do want to put it into the world that this month my mantra is to SLOW DOWN. Slow down my heart rate when I’ve got a new art project taking shape yet things aren’t quite coming together. Slow down my panicky brain when I replay my squats and hyper analyze my knee-cave. Slow down the judgment when I am feeling awkward while talking to a table at my restaurant jobs—you are good at your job, girl! Slow down my expectations because I need space to breathe!
What We're Reading
Ruth
What I’m reading… hmmm well technically I’m currently reading “Becoming” by Michelle Obama (*le sigh* I miss the Obamas) which I feel like I’m waaay behind on and am one of the last few people who have not read it yet (sorry our former first lady!).
BUT I wanted to mention another book I recently read that’s a little different. It’s more of a picture book with just a sentence or two with each image. Growing up, I was alllll about the picture books. I mean, reading everything by Chris Van Allsburg on the floor of a Barnes and Nobles (wasn’t kidding about not being able to take that S out in Nobles, it’s not going away) was one of my favorite pastimes as a kid. Chris Van Allsburg’s illustrations are what initially got me hooked, but his stories, of course, made me a lifelong fan.
*Pictured below is from one of my all-time favorite Chris Van Allsburg books, “The Stranger”
I grew up reading and admiring the art of Calvin and Hobbes, The Far Side, Shel Silverstein’s quirky drawings alongside his amazing poems and the disturbing and creepy sketches in Scary Stories 1, 2 and 3. Anyway, I think it was only a matter of time before my love for amazing art alongside an amazing story would bring me to the graphic novel world. I don’t know about you guys but I love them! About a decade ago I went through a whole phase reading The Elephantmen volumes 1-3, Kabuki volumes 1-6, Chew, The Filth, etc. (maybe I’ll delve deeper in a future post). I realized that from time to time I needed a break from just looking at words and needed to be visually stimulated by colors, shapes and incredible pieces of original art! Ok, so get to the point, Ruth, I know I know. But I thought some context would be nice, no? Ok, getting to the point...
There’s this small local book shop in Milwaukee called Boswell Bookstore (local shoutout! wha-what!!) and it reminded me of another favorite bookstore of mine back in Chicago in Lincoln Square called the Book Cellar: both provide these small post-it notes from staff members with great little summaries of the books they recommend.
One Sunday while waiting for a table for brunch, I visited Boswell, which happened to be just across the street. I perused through the aisles and stumbled across one of these lovely post-its with its suggestion: a book titled “Death Wins a Goldfish” by Brian Rea. He is the illustrator for the New York Times column “Modern Love,” and he wrote and drew this wonderful little book about Death aka the Grim Reaper. It’s an interesting and funny take on how Death is a nonstop hard worker, your classic workaholic. It’s a story about what Death discovers about himself after being forced to take his vacation days, which ended up being a year-long sabbatical. I knew I had to read the rest after I read the first line of the intro: ‘Finding the balance between living and working’. This line hit home a little bit. And on top of that, it had great pictures!
See I’m the type that goes on vacation still checking my inbox for patients’ lab results and messages. I always end up feeling guilty if I catch myself relaxing (the nerve! right?!) on my VACATION. My mind would have trouble shutting off work and letting “my troubles go” as one should when you’re on a beach in Cuba or whatever. My husband and family members have caught me logging on remotely from my laptop so I can achieve that “0” next to my inbox before dinner. It’s a problem. I’m working on it. My last vacation aka my honeymoon I only checked it 3 times in 2 weeks! (Trust me this is a significant improvement)
This book spoke to me as a reminder to enjoy life and not let work take up the majority of it. It was a strong message that was perfectly delivered with minimal words and great artwork. I think it shows us the importance of “finding the balance between living and working.” Check it out! You’ll love it. Or at the least... like it. Happy reading!
On Balance
Cat
I get this question a lot and it is so difficult to answer - “How are you?” Sometimes there’s a modified version of, “but how are YOU?”
The people who ask it are lovely, loving friends with the intention of reaching out, giving me a platform to vent, giving me as much or little space as I want. They mean better than well, and I would (and have) asked the same question thousands of times, but it is still so. hard. to answer.
I worry about how much I should share with people — what does Jordan, my husband, want them to know, and what would he prefer they don’t? I think about how heavy I can let a conversation get before feeling guilty and needing to bring it back up to the surface. I think about measuring my response to make sure it doesn’t overwhelm the recipient or make them feel uncomfortable.
I have an incredible six-month-old baby and a husband who is fighting cancer. The truth is that “how I am” is a constant battle of extremes, sometimes fighting and sometimes balancing each other. It’s something so much more complicated than I can express via text message, and, understandably, so much more than most people really want to hear.
We are in a very happy marriage and are so in love with the exuberant little roommate we made. Watching her grow and learn and smile and laugh (!) has been the truest magic I’ve ever known. On the flip side, I’ve watched my husband brave nausea, fatigue, scans, needles, chemotherapy, radiation, transfusions, and a year and a half of constant pain without the promise of imminent resolution.
It’s a kind of balance no one tells you about as a child. I was told there would be good and bad times, happy and sad times, but I didn’t expect them both so fully, simultaneously. It makes my head spin if I dwell on it too much and though I have no satisfying conclusions or tidy pithy proverbs to type, what I’m finding is this:
When I follow all my thoughts and feelings down their tunnels, at the end I never find myself stepping out into a place of resentment. It’s always gratitude. I wrestle with the fear and anger but I know humor is waiting just outside.
Sustenance
Cat
Ok enough of the heavy stuff - let’s talk dessert!
We are a family of prominent sweet tooths (sweet teeth?!) but are also a family prioritizing health and clean eating. Therefore one of my favorite challenges is finding ways to satisfy those sweet cravings in relatively guilt-free ways.
This recipe is for a blueberry lemon loaf, and uses almond flour and honey for sweetness. No added sugar and no gluten = win! Here’s what you’ll need:
For the cake -
2 cups almond meal
1 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
1/4 tsp cinnamon (I use more because I love it)
4 eggs
1/2 cup honey
1/4 cup extra virgin olive oil
1 1/2 tsp grated lemon zest
1 cup blueberries
For the glaze -
2 tbs lemon juice
2 tsp honey
Preheat oven to 325 & grease a 9”x5” loaf pan. In a large bowl combine almond meal, baking powder, baking soda, salt & cinnamon - whisk to blend.
Whisk eggs in a second bowl and add honey, olive oil & lemon zest. Stir thoroughly. Mix wet ingredients into almond meal mixture & stir.
In small bowl toss blueberries with 1 tbs almond meal (this prevents berries from sinking to the bottom of the cake.) Gently fold blueberries into the batter.
Pour batter into prepared pan & bake 1 hour 10 min (until cake is golden brown and your kitchen smells like heaven.)
MEANWHILE: In a small bowl whisk together lemon juice & honey until blended. When cake is out, brush glaze over top and let it soak in.
Allow the cake 30 min to cool then ENJOY!
Endorsements
Priya
I have naturally straight hair. I am also naturally lazy, especially in the morning. A small part of me wants to look good, but a bigger part of me wants to stay in bed as long as possible. Every day, it’s a damn miracle I make it to work on time.
Anyway, here’s what my hair looks like, air-dryed and unstyled. (And for those of you who may have been giving me the benefit of the doubt… that’s all of my hair. I’m not hiding any locks behind my back.) Also, get yourselves ready for lots of selfies.
I recently found a solution to my lazy-but-wanna-look-cute conundrum via Instagram, and it’s called the Flower Curl by @CordinaHair. It looks like this:
I sleep with my hair wrapped up, and it’s reasonably comfortable. Those are my pajamas.
Sometimes I use two circles, sometimes four, depending on the type of curl I want to create. I should also add: I have no talent when it comes to doing hair. (Despite 26 years of violin-playing, my paws are just not dextrous at all. In medical school, when we sutured pig feet for practice, Ruth made dozens of neat little sutures. Our instructor was impressed. When the instructor saw my work, she said, “you’re not going into surgery, are you?” Fortunately for all of us, my job requires zero people-cutting.) But somehow, I can manage to wrap my hair around the Flower Curl. Here’s what my hair looks like in the morning, using the two-circle method. The photo on the left is first thing in the morning; the right is after a full day of work. The gif is just for funzies.
Something Positive
Priya
What’s more positive than a lazy egg with a cute butt? Meet Gudetama, a visual representation of AJFC’s inner psyche and ideal meal:
Gudetama is a Sanrio character; they’re also the folks behind Hello Kitty. According to Sanrio, “Eggs are yummy… boiled, baked or raw. There are many ways to make an egg, but eggs are so lazy (gude gude in Japanese). Look closely and you will see the eggs that you eat lack spunk.” Ok, sure!
You gotta crack some eggs to make a Gudetama,
